Thursday, November 3, 2011

You Can't Have It All

I've been in kind of a funk lately, and I'm not sure why.
Thanks, Hyperbole and a Half

I'm not even really sure why, but part of the reason I write this blog is that it's cheaper than therapy, and writing has always been an opportunity for me to channel my emotions.

Anyways, I have a lot of friends who are pregnant roaming around incubating feti. A. Lot. Those of my friends who are married without kids, like Kev and I, are starting to talk about when they are having them. It's like every time I check Facebook, a giant "YOU ARE ALMOST THIRTY" sign starts blinking at me. Ack. I am so not ready for children, and Kev and I have a timeline that is going to work for us, but still. People are moving on, and their time will be limited, and I'm scared that I'm going to be left in the dust for playgroups. Woe is me.

My friends who are single, or dating someone but not married, on the other hand, seem to be getting closer and closer, and I'm not always sure where I fit in. I love them, and I'm pretty sure that they love me, but I keep finding out about times they have all spent together without me, and it makes me sad. Kev and I have a crazy busy life, and I can't often make it out, but I want to. I really, really want to. I snapped at a friend about it while I was in a drunken stupor, and I feel like such an ass about it now. Seriously, Colie, grow the eff up.

I guess that's just it, really. Growing up is hard. For all of the really important things in life, I've gotten more than I ever would have dreamed of. I have a beautiful, albiet messy, home. A great family. A passionate, wonderful and challenging husband. Friends that I adore. But it's really hard for me to realize that I can't have it all ALL the time. I won't always be included. I won't always include others. People may come and go from my life, and that just has to be okay. Growing up is freaking hard, but it has come with some of the best rewards so far that I've ever experienced. I have to let go, and trust that it will all work out. It's okay, I'm okay, and changes are okay. Now, I must go remind myself to quit being so damn selfish :)

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