Thursday, May 28, 2009

Things that Last

We’re 38 days away from the wedding and the last minute bills are starting to pile in, particularly ring buying and finishing the payment for the photographer. While I started to hyperventilate about the amount of money we are going to spend on those things this weekend, Kev patiently reminded me that we knew all along we wanted to upgrade these things, since after the day is over, these are the things that we’ll still have to remind us of the promises we’re making to each other.

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my aunt, who is forty, exactly between my mom and I in age, and a generally fabulous person to talk to about everything. I was telling her about the cooking Kev and I do at home, and how our date nights have gradually shifted from big events out to making a ridiculously big meal with our cell phones and screens turned off. My aunt commented that she thinks it’s important we build traditions that center around being at home, since those are the things that will last throughout building a family (someday) and the various shifts in our lives. Now that she has her young children, she says that she and her husband are trying harder to make date nights things they can do at home, to make sure they continue.

Since that discussion, and while pondering the mere month between now and the very lasting commitment we are about to make, I’ve been thinking about the routines we used to have and the current rhythms that our lives have been taking. I can’t help but wonder if we are choosing home centered dates because we are appreciating the time we do have together more, or if we are so exhausted from the whirlwind that has become our shared life the last few months that we just need to flop. I think part of marrying somebody is being ready to say that you want that person to be a part of all your traditions, and that you want to build new patterns of being into your shared life. I’ve heard it said that many people get so focused on the wedding that they forget the marriage, and while I don’t see that being Kev and I, I do wonder how things will change after the wedding. As Kev discussed in the last post, we’ve gone from dating, to living together, to marriage, and while the core of what we are together has stayed the same, there have been changes along the way to the ways we choose to spend our time, or the things we find ourselves talking about. Through it all, I continue to be fascinated by him, and excited about our life.

Last night, one of our good friends asked us if he could still come over and hang out after we are still married. We’ve lived together now for almost a year, and honestly, while I know marriage is going to bind us together and hold us accountable to each other for the rest of our lives, it made me a little sad to think that our friends are worried about us changing post-wedding. I tend to think that marriage is going to increase the number of best parts about my life, and help us to keep our day to day lives in sharper focus-friends included. I’m hoping to keep all the things I love about my life the same, while having a fantastic partner in crime to experience it all with. Change is good, but I hope my life doesn’t become unrecognizable after the wedding, since I feel I already have great days most of the time. I hoe I come back to this post after we’ve been married for years and laugh at the worries I’m writing. I guess I’ll just have to let you know when I get there, though.


  1. i am POSITIVE colin will still come over once you're married. shouldnt you hope he doesnt?

  2. This so makes me wish I had kept a blog or journal of my pre-marriage thoughts during the 18-month run up to our wedding.

    Because we had been together for so long (6 1/2 years at time of wedding) and had been living together for a year and a half, getting married didn't actually change anything. Nothing at all.
    Well, except for the whole "husband and wife" thing. Honestly, neither of us felt any different, and that was OK because we had spent 6 1/2 years becoming a little more married everyday anyway.

    I think of a wedding as an outward declaration of promises and commitments you made inwardly a long time ago. It's a celebration and a time for your community to come together to support your relationship. It is one day out of thousands you will spend together, and it doesn't have to mean major changes.

    Trust me, your friends will still drop by whenever they feel like it.

    And you're right on about developing long-standing rituals. It's so important. I highly recommend staying in your PJs on Sundays and going entirely off the grid for a whole weekend every now and then.